Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
i'm switching my LJ name over to
I HAVE A NEW LIVEJOURNAL.
in about a week i'm going to stop posting in this one.
i got sick of the name.
so add me:
stolen from all_ephemera:
Reply to this post, and I'll tell you *at least* one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.
the only good thing about insomnia is how well i sleep the next night.
waking up with the kind of manic energy, such that when the alarm goes off i bolt up feeling, thank god, i can get up now...
that's kind of strange.
and yeah, that makes me question the direction that the rest of this day is going to take.
yesterday, i went a full arc, from content when i woke up, to desperately frightened and sad after i made a phone call, to gradually returning to happy, and really enjoying myself for the better part of the evening, to absolutely righteously fucking pissed near the end of the night.
i slept very well.
and tonight, ALL i want to do is go play some fucking pool.
kids, i'm disappointed in you. i was defending my lack of a solid opinion mosttimes, not feeling down on it.
i like my vagueness, thank you. :)
Christmas turned out to be a million times better than i was expecting. (Things always do - i wonder if that means i shouldn't worry so much, or if they only turn out ok because i worry). I came home after work and was wicked fucking down...if you've ever faced christmas eve alone...i was staring down a lot of hours. But Ln rescued me. yay for old friends...i drove out to ware and spent the night at her house. I NEEDED THAT in ways i can't describe. There's just something about conversation...and we exchanged presents, and watched cheesy christmas movies, and compared notes on life, and hung out with her siblings in the morning, catching weasels, and well...all was right with the world. rock on.
Went over and surprised my dad, which was sweet as well.
and then headed homewards, and had the rest of christmas with pat and his family...
i really like them.
and i think they like me.
they laugh a lot. and it's nice to be (kinda/sorta/almost)part of something.
christmas was warm. (bethany's card and jak's present were also bright spots).
now i have a little bit of down time, and then i start to make a lot of changes.
rumor has it we're doing new years eve over here...so make that part of your plans. and tell other people, because we're not awesome at that.
Has it ever occurred to you how much of a futile effort it is to keep to your own point of view, when faced with the greater forces that define and shape the world? Chaos isn't going to go away because you believe something. Disagreement isn't going to stop happening because you know you're right.
Sometimes i feel kinda lame because i never really have a point of view. but when i do attempt to feel any sort of conviction, it usually gets me in trouble somehow. especially when i voice it. A lot of trouble can come from things like that.
You know what I mean? Your personality isn't an established presence in the world. people are transient and thoughts even more so. Yet people believe what's in their own minds as if its set in stone. It's a construct, and a shell, and eventually we're all going to die and our patterns and beliefs die with us.
So why do we like arguing so much?
Because it proves we're really here, at least for now?
Because it justifies our way of being as it verifies our existence?
Maybe if you're more right than someone else, then you have more of a right to be here? maybe it makes you more real?
or so we secretly feel?
This was my insomnia last night.
As for christmas, i'm grateful to belong here some of the time. But when you come right down to it, I really don't. and somehow, that's the part that i can't get out of my head. not that i can be here, when i can. but the part about i can't.
i'm stupid, and more bitter than i have a right to. wish i could switch my brain around and just accept that christmas isn't christmas this year, it's just not a feeling that exists, no serendipity is going to surprise me with a snowy evening out a window and the feeling that i'm truly at home. It's nowhere, and really, it's not that much of a big deal. It is, as my mom says, just another day. After all. (and you've been so good for listening to me vent about this since october. I guess it's just one of my hang-ups, or a focusing point for all the weirdness of having moved out here...it's just a fucking holiday, not the end of the world.)
And all things considered, i did pretty good this year. picking up presents and things that i think will make people happy. I need to see most of my people after the fact, and i have no idea how to go about doing that.
and i was given the best present ever. ink is better than rocks. (if you haven't seen it, i'll eventually post a picture.)
i did get out to see justin and shanna a week or so ago. (and summer, and daniel.) that was wonderful, and i saw my mom on the same day, and went to see my dad sing christmas carols at the white church. It's funny how it's a different group of carolers every year, but it always sounds the same, a little out of tune and perfect for all that. something constant. singing angels we have heard on high, with all the waterfalling glorias. (didn't see maria, and i wish i had.)
well then. i'm off to do whatever displaced half-elves do on christmas. good holidays to all of you
that was fucking amazing.
the most visceral, intense experience i've ever had.
the closest i'll ever come to being on a pre-medieval battlefield.
we went down to the floor and taylor, duncan, justin and pat all disappeared. so i kind of trailed blinky up to the front. and up til right before slipknot started playing, i probably could have made my way over to him. and then it just got crazy.
and for the first three songs i just thought i was going to die. the press of people around me was absolutely fucking suffocating and i was just too blank and it was all i could do to stay on my feet. and then i started to notice that no one was going to let me fall or get hurt. and that i was pulling people to their feet when they fell. and it started to be alright.
and then it just hit me and i went fucking crazy.
i'd only ever been in little pits before.
and i was all by myself in the middle of hell, and i loved every goddamn minute of it.
and then just as i was thinking that it'd be good if someone i knew turned up, especially because no one was going to believe me when i told them where i was, i look over and there's taylor, thrashing like a crazy bastard.
and then pat came up behind me (i feel someone's arms around me and i'm like what the fuck and then i realize who it is and it's the best thing in the world)
that was. incredible.
and on the ride home i'm stretched across duncan and taylor and justin in the back seat and absolutely fucking happy...
can't even describe how i feel.
("as i tumbled off the floor i heard myself sing
in a voice i never knew that i had before...")
Dear Neil Gaiman & Dave McKean,
Thanks for mirrormask.
haven was decent. i enjoyed msyelf. saw peg once again, before she took off westwards. saw scotland. & adam/levi. and jesus. and jessu, ln, amy...
i should stop trying to hug jessu. i know she doesn't like it. but it's kind of reflex when i see someone i never see.
danced a bunch, all stompy. i was really sore the next day. but in that good way, you know. slept in the car on the way home. it's been a long time for that.
dave attell was passable. i mean, wicked funny but not all-out can't breathe for an hour straight hilarious. definitely worth the price of admission though. (wouldn't quite have been worth the $25. but defintely worth the $free.) my aunt rocks. cause she hooks me up. and they love her. so we drank for free, even though she wasn't there.
i always feel kind of bad about that, in a way. but not too.
work. got out 5 or earlier the last couple days. (fucking christmas music in november-before-thanksgiving.) being able to do errands on a friday night...that was nice for a change. and ran down to the art supply store in central this afternoon. I have an art supply store 15 minutes from my house...only the western mass folk know how much that rocks.
i'm really pleased with how much of a good mood i've been in this past week.
i have tentative plans with lisa, my dorky friend from pier1-work, to go to the star wars exhibit @ museum of science on tuesday. i'm psyched. how often do i make friends of my own? this is rare. ca me plait. (will it be april-rose that points out there's no tail on that C?)
you know what's funny? when i look in the mirror, i look different. normally you don't notice yourself changing cause you see yourself every day, so it's gradual, not drastic. the same as it is with other people. but i look a tad bit unfamiliar. i guess that happens...
ah, well. to pull myself together, and off to saugiepad-medford, and thence to goodtimes. this should be really good.
i'll tell you a secret, before i go: i'm thinking about school again. No Details! not yet...
"love, let me breathe
breathe you in,
melt the confusion..."
Mood: good, but you wouldn't know it
retail makes you crazy
i find myself stranded on an alien world. I am a captive of the city-state Pier, a member of a lose trade federation engaged in a subtle form of warfare. Although we could easily arm ourselves with the contents of the fortress (many of which are imposing artifacts suitable for use as weapons) and take our neighbors by storm, we engage in a battle of wits, fought over no territory or riches, but instead over the minds and hearts of a group known as "The Customers". They align themselves with no one city-state, but travel freely between them, and it is the goal of each nation to win them over using attractive marketing and warm-but-aggressive sales tactics.
These "Customers" enjoy engaging in a strange form of ritualistic dialogue. A popular topic seems to be "Does this go with my couch?" The targeted Pier-1 (the name given to drones of the fortress) must respond with a series of platitudes, arranged in such a way as to be pleasing to the ear of the customer. Failure to do so risks incurring a great rage on the part of the customer, fearsome to behold.
Pleasing the "holders of custom" or the "consumers" as they are also known, is a task to which the denizens and prisoners alike of Pier must devote ourselves wholly. Some are pleasant enough, and interact with us as with equals. Othes are downright antagonistic, and treat us as the slaves that we are, in all but name.
I cannot say how long i have been a captive here. They must never catch me at these notes. If they were to susupect that I am other than what I seem, I would be in greatest peril. As long as i appear as one of them, a mindless drone, Then my safety is assured. They are suspicious, though, and I am watched. A slip up could mean chastisement, or my termination!
The fortress seems to double as a temple, and is kept festive and pleasant-smelling at all times. There seems to be one prevalent god or goddess, known as Sales, and this quarter of the year is given over to a celebration in his/her honor. The fortress is a maze of sparkling housewares and rich textiles, complemented by a great number of scented candles, which must bespeak great supplication, or dedication at least to this deity.
A few words about the system of government. Pier is, like the fabled Amazon Island, almost entierly populated by women. The resulting form of government is no shining paragon of justice and peace, as one might hope. It is instead a hive of subterfuge, petty intrigues, and feral bickering that leaves one despairing of a moment's peace. One must be quick-witted to ensure one's own survival, and yet appear unambitious and indeed unintelligent. The Alpha female is ever suspicious. She bares her teeth and looks pointedly at my throat to establish her dominance, and i make no aggressive gestures, nor any sudden movements that might be mistaken for the start of ritualistic combat!
I have begun to make plans for my escape, but again, they must never suspect. I have found a hiding spot within the fortress, and it is ever a temptation to slip off unnotice, a temptation that i must avoid at all costs! Were it not for the existence of my Communicator Device, which allows me to send brief messages to the outside world, my sanity would already have begun to deteriorate. They must never know of the existence of this device, as it would be confiscated on sight. Boredom is my enemy, the danger of sinking into inescapable ennui. I must be ever vigilant, ever thinking of escape, always one move ahead of the governing body, who would seek to thwart my every dream. Not forever will i be captive to these feudal peons and their skull-numbing routine, this I swear!
just call me Spaceman Spiff. yes, i really was skulking around at work today, writing sneakily when i was out of everyone's sight lines. help me, i think i've gone inane.
there was a party. it was good.
how many people hold parties with the aim of getting rid of their excessive amounts of alcohol, and end up with more than they started with? we have the worst best luck ever. thanks for bringing us all the liquor, guys...what the hell are we supposed to do with it now? have another party so you can bring us more? (whoever left the Bailey's in the fridge is totally okay by me, though.)
Mood: satrical,and my hands are cold
some notes about my weekend:
the very first legal drink that i, personally, actually bought and paid for was at the tavern in prophets fall, bought with in-game money.
i am a deer in the headlights
pete is warrio
the shalom high-five continues to spread
i really like roleplaying, and enjoyed every character i was out as quite a bit. i don't feel like i did awesome on fighting, and i'm horribly out of shape. i used to be able to run for 3 miles, and i now can't comfortably run for 3 minutes. DK chased me down with disgusting ease.
i pulled ticks out of blinky. ticks are gross. jello, blood capsules, vanilla pudding, and raisins, all mixed together, however, is amazing. splatter. yes.
i went to ware after the event, cause it was right there.... the leaves are turning. it's different out there. i almost cried when i walked in my dads house, because it smelled like home and looked almost like it did when my mom still lived there. enough about that. ah, being overtired emotional jello.
i hung out with ln, for some much-needed conversation, and i got some more of my stuff. we made soup and sandwiches, and it was great.
and on the way home, i stopped to see john where he works.
its weird being on good terms with someone and knowing that you're causing them a lot of pain. that was a hard conversation, but by my standards, a good one, and necessary. there's no animosity there, really. how weird.
sleepy, and my day's not nearly over.
i was tagged:
10 things that make me happy
1.autumn sunny days
3.eating real food
4.getting better at things that are hard for me
6.driving (and walking)
9.getting drunk, every now & again
so heads up kids,
there will be a somerville halloween party
either the friday or the saturday before, we're not sure which yet.
but plan to be here.
in other news, i bought pants in 8 minutes flat yesterday between work. i feel fairly awesome about that.
and after work, there were tacos and the usual silliness (which hasn't been so usual as of late, so that made it even better) @saugiepad medford.
an 11th thing on my list would be free stuff.
i'm off. and i wish it were sunny out.
this has been a really good day.
have i mentioned yet how much i like waking up in my bedroom? or that my cat always comes in and says good morning when he hears the alarm go off?
can i just say how psyched i was when i woke up and it was sunny? even though it didn't last...that's serendipity.
even the stupid work meeting wasn't awful. then i spent the rest of my day organizing my computer music, cleaning, and working on my tailcoat. walked down to davis with steve at one point and got burritos, stopped at the comic book store, and aided him in stealing people's trash on the way back up. and watched 2 episodes of the tick.
i am so relaxed right now.
now i go see pat.
and that's an awfully good day, all around.
(and maybe, maybe, mirrormask on tuesday.)
at work today, i heard a guy on his cel phone say the words "gay marriage" and my brain took off on this rant:
What's my opinion on gay marriage? I was at the statehouse the day that they voted. I remember the congregational minister and his family smiling in the picture that I took. I was a reporter at the time, though very small-town, and i brought my camera and notebook, and observed more than i participated. Standard for me, no? I remember the guy who took one of Jessu's blank balloons and asked us very gravely in an untraceable eastern european accent if he could write whatever he wanted on it, since we were "on the other side"? and how surprised we were by his expectation of our closed mindedness, the match of our expectations of him. I talked to that guy for a long time but I can't remember his arguments; I only remember being impressed by how well-considered they seemed to be. I remember Justin perched on top of that urn being all hippy-hillbilly, and smilingly of the opinion that people should love whoever they want to. I remember how some of the signs were written with hate but mostly everyone there was caught up in their own passionate dedication to their own opinions. I left that day with my position unchanged but with my appreciation for another point of view deepened. I think we have to be tolerant of the fact that the status quo is changing, and the necessity of this change is not as obvious to the majority of the population as it is to we who are of assenting views. Patience is the key here. I want to read up on this... I want to know when divorce was first legalized, and the struggles that the people went through then, so long ago, the battles they fought to undo a sacred compact when it was right for each individual to do so. We take that for granted now. Someday this too will be second nature in our society. All our frustrations will eventually go the way of past struggles, too...There will always be new battles, and patient warriors striking out against the accepted constructs of their time.
Steve is trying, valiantly though as yet unsuccessfully, to change my cat's name to Thor.
there's a sad voice on the phone, every now and again. she put aside my worry to replace it with concern. i wish i could help her; she doesn't want my help. i wish i could make her happier; she won't admit that she's unhappy. she's really far off, and i'm really far away...there's a lot of words we've never said to each other, that stand in the way. she's very sad, and i wish i could help.
I have tomorrow off...except for the pier1 meeting that I have to go to at 10 bloody o'clock in the morning (i don't get to sleep late on my day off...'s very sad.) this means i can wear jeans all day and i don't have to be nice to anybody if i don't want to!
had a customer ask me yesterday if i was always so rude?
and before i could think (this is happening more and more lately, speaking without consideration. i'm going to get myself in trouble) i hear myself saying, yeup, all the time!
Today officially ended the last 2 weeks, thankfully. There were lots of good little things that happened (boots and tailcoat), and a lot of good days, but the overall tone has just been...one thing on top of another, with no chance to rest. this week should be much more sane.
Lindsey's party was wicked good. it felt good to laugh, and turn my brain off.
"i've never felt this healthy before
i never wanted something rational
i am aware now..
you've already won me over..."
the rain it raineth every day...
i had a really bad headache last night. the season-change killer sinus headache i get once or twice a year...i took excedrin and advil and didn't feel better, but decided to go to ballroom anyway. took some decongestant and slept in the car (i want to say it's been a long time since i've slept in a car...made me feel like a little kid)...woke up all groggy and ballroom was therefore wicked surreal. luckily we didn't cover anything new or terribly difficult.
it feels like it's going to come back at some point today though, and i'm hoping not, cause i plan to go up to lindsey's after work.
plus i found/was directed to two different ways to get between point somerville/medford and saugus in the last 2 days, and both of them claimed to be rte. 60, but were not the same thing at all. weird.
anything's better than driving 16 everyfuckingday though. i like to mix up my routes.
And. i learned how to use an awl. i'm psychotically pleased about this. : )
I HAVE THE DAY OFF! this is fucking beautiful...
i bought my boots yesterday, for $50. i <3 DSW. cheap is great. i would take & post a picture if i was tech-savvy.
worked at gamestop and salem gamestop yesterday. they tried to steal me. not having any of that...their store doesn't have a coffee maker.
my mom's house is flooded, a little. i guess the housatonic is now somewhat receding from her basement and backyard. i want to see pictures; i told her kevin should make some cajun food. :)
i'm a little lightheaded from painting with the windows closed. maybe i should leave. go breathe some air and buy shoelaces.
i've just discovered that i'm working 48 hours next week. wow.
this means no terres rising, (that's ok, i'll get my larp fix at prophets the next week) and no visiting Ln on friday.
but this means sweet paychecks for the next couple of weeks. darn right. i'll need them.
last night went like this:
i came home from work and made my twilek tentacles (maybe this year i really will have a good halloween costume?) while watching star trek next generation with pete. (it was the episode where they first meet the borg. awesome. my problem with star trek is i always catch one episode and then want to watch lots more.)
went & got dinner with pat & blinky. plan was to go see Waiting @ 9 but it was sold out, so we went at 11 instead,which actually kind of worked out better: got to go to newbury comics, and i bought two 25 cent comics (Next Exit and Liberty from Hell, both the first issues, so i'll have to find the rest eventually) and the first issue of Neverwhere, that i've been meaning to pick up for months. : )
then went and played pool,and i actually won MY FIRST GAME EVER. : ) : ) (not counting the ones where the other person scratches on the 8 and i win by default. this one was real.) very happy. i love playing pool...and i think i'm finally getting a little bit better. : )
and Waiting was way better than i thought it was going to be, and had the most realistic party scenes i've ever seen in a movie. nice. funny as fuck.
thursday me & bethany went to jokers wild and and did other halloween costume browsing, and i know how to get to saugiepad medford now, at least from my house. and then the second ballroom class: jak likes to dance into pillars, and swing is fucking HARD, (and if i wasn't a band kid for so many years i'd be so much more lost than i am) but it's really fun and i'm wicked glad i'm doing this; it gets me out, and into something.
this entry sounds wicked happy. i've actually been kind of cranky a lot of this week. apparently it was a good week though.
still haven't bought boots, i'm being wicked picky. i'll know the ones i want when i see them.
rainy saturday night: what now?
Mood: not working : )
adam and/or bethany got me sick. after i told them not to breathe on me, and they did anyway.
work's getting entertaining..my boss turns out to be a terrible bitch, and i think she doesn't like me, though i haven't summoned the balls to simply go and ask yet. i will. it's just picking my time. and it's not a fun prospect at all. but it's really starting to get to me.
plus i've had some great customers. the kind of people who NEED to ask me a question when i'm in the middle of lifting something relatively large and ungainly and fragile, like a mirror. as i'm trying to gently maneuver it into place. and they need to ask me things like
"will this rust?"
"I don't believe it's meant to be an outdoor piece" (i say, annoyed because i'm moving a big mirror.)
"no, i mean indoors. will it rust?"
i bite back a "what the fuck" and instead say something totally inane like "I think it's stainless steel, so you should be all set" and walk away really quick.
i've had about enough of that. thank god i'm not working there tomorrow.
but i took the T up to saugus yesterday instead of driving, which was really cool, because i got to walk from work to Wellington station. and that's something that's been really missing in my life lately. walking in general, and walking to get places especially. i don't get to know a place until i've had it under my feet. walking, you can stop and look at things. like there's this bridge on 16 that i drive over every day, so presumably there's a river underneath it. but now i *know* because i *saw* it. (mystic river, i looked on the map @ wellington.)(and it has water lillies in the scummy water, and a big dock projecting out from underneath the bridge. there are big spiders building ragged webs in the bridge railings, and the bridge itself is partly made of that metal grating so you can see the water underneath as you're crossing.) that's what i've been missing. i feel more like me than i have in a while, for that.
since getting back from oregon i've been a little (weird? fixated? something.) (i mean this week is hormones, and goddamn me being a girl..but other than that) i really can't quite describe how strange it was to be around so much of my family all at one time. my uncle and aunt and cousins, which has happened before, but ALSO my dad AND my aunt AND my grandfather. that's like all of us on that side. i can't remember if that's ever happened. and my family tends to be kind of a fragmented affair, and not particularly warm. so my oregon family is wicked tight, and close, and friendly, and it was a really overwhelming-in-a-good way thing to feel like, holy shit, i have a Family. that exists as one entity. not just a bunch of people who are related to me. is this making any sense at all? maybe to the couple of kids with divorced parents/only children reading this? i don't know, it was weird, and i liked it, and i won't even get into the strangeness of seeing them be jewish, especially my dad. i mean i knew that he was, i just didn't realize that he still..or ever...knew how..i mean the paticipating in temple stuff...i wasn't getting into this. cause this part i can't explain at all. religion. and then they tell me that none of them believe in god anyway, they just really like being jewish..i wonder if it's community that i'm lacking. i dunno.
i miss Ln and Jessu, though. and Mike.
and nobody's home except me and the cats, and there is no food in the house, and i want to go buy boots but i don't know where to go and anyway i think there's nothing open, and i need to buy green tights for my halloween costume, but i don't know where to go for that either, so maybe i'll go call bethany and head up to saugiepad medford (v. 2.0) and see how they're settling in or something.
"Now I stand with the wind at my back
Every day brings a new breed of jackass
I was never good at monkey-in-the-middle
Never a fighter..."
thank you steve, jim, blinky (for the piggyback through the T station), pete, lindsey, bardok (or peter), sandy, justin (even though he did put hot sauce in my rum & coke, i think), jak (who pinky-swore that the aforementioned mean trick wasn't him), bethany, duncan (for making the grill guys sing to me), palermo, (he showed up!) and especially pat (for making sure i got drunk, but not too, and generally being awesome.)
maria didn't make it, and i was sad. i think she called when we were on the T. and i hope she made it out of worcester.
i remember when i moved out here i was wicked psyched that i was going to be in boston for my birthday. i was right. nowhere else would there have been 2 enormous groups of drunk people on the red line, singing Dirty Water and Sweet Caroline at the tops of their (our) lungs (once on the orange line things got quieter, and it became the longest train ride ever...god, why don't T stops have bathrooms? whose great engineering design was that?)...being drunk in public is freaking weird, and i don't think it's anything that i need to have happen too often, but you all are great and made me laugh, i had a great night, exactly what i wanted.
fire & ice this saturday
for my birthday
respond if you're in, and make me feel special
i was in oregon for 4 days
oregon has mountains, and my family
chicago airport is bad luck. 2-hour unscheduled layover coming home. yuck.
(however, we did land there through a high-altitude lightning storm, which was seriously cool.)
a really good trip. i can't say enough.
my cousins rock.
the jet lag, or whatever it was, i think finally wore off.
i'm 21 today.
i asked for quotes yesterday. i know half of you can't speak five words in succession without quoting something. some of you can't breathe twice without quoting something. cough em up!
i hate rte. 16 at any hour of the day when there are other people on it. i was inadvertantly an asshole twice on my way to work today, and i thought i was going to die.
ok. so. whatever i end up doing for my birthday, it'll be on saturday, october 1. (there. now when you start to make plans for that night, you'll be like, "but i get this weird feeling like i'm supposed to be doing something that day...")
consider yourself solicited: i'm looking for a bunch of good quotes. i'm putting together a quote book for a present for my cousin, and i've just used the word "for" many more times than was necessary to get my point across.
so send me some quotes.
quietly amusing myself at work today:
it's everyone's favorite friendly neighborhood wall-flower, the amazing spider-mum!
holy plastic horitculture, batman!
last saugiepad party is in full swing..tekken and soul calibur, a poker game in the corner, beer pong and all that jazz...
things that make me happy
1. $1 cardboard picture frame w/ the ln/jessu black & white protest-day picture
3. the way i've been falling asleep smiling for a while now...
4. my roof
5. getting my hair cut on friday
6. ice cream
7. playing pool
8. organizing stuff
9. western mass stars
10. next thursday, i'll be in oregon with my family, and 3 days after i get back, i turn 21
which brings me to my question, directed at the local people; what should i do for my birthday? taking suggestions, i hate organzing and planning and i need a really good idea...
Mood: : )